The part I have realized
I was recently asked, "What is it that you like to do? What is your fun?" I was so mesmerised by that question because no one had ever asked me. And I was in a deep question mark, I thought fuck nothing is coming to my mind. And I was like why is this so hard to answer? It was depressing. It was sad.
And I asked myself, why is it so? The answer was I never really did a lot of things, never experienced a lot of things, and hence I don’t know what I love.
My love for things faded and faded and faded as I grew up, and so did my happiness. I loved Lego and mechanics. I loved drawing and painting. I loved animals. I loved physics. I loved love. I loved romance. I loved flirting. I loved guns. I loved video games. I loved photography. I loved travelling. I loved the idea of being a digital nomad. I loved music. I loved video editing. I loved freedom. I loved creating. But over time, I questioned how I became a soulless IT worker. Career, studies, work, bills, and responsibilities, took the front seat, and I lost all that was dear to me one by one.
Don’t get me wrong, I am still into these things, but the genuine joy I had doing them is almost completely lost. Nothing interests me. I feel like I’ve become this dark void that does not deserve to be happy.
And the result? I don’t do these activities anymore because I feel like a failure who hasn’t achieved anything in life apart from a mediocre degree and a mediocre job. I am grateful for that, but it came with a cost, and that cost was happiness. And now I feel like I don’t deserve a nice vacation even though I am absolutely burnt out.
This fear of failure, this burden of "making it," has killed the fun parts of my personality and made me a gloomy person. And I think this is acting like an unconscious self-harm that my mind and body are not allowed to enjoy, because we haven’t "made it" yet. And the shame that comes with it. Always in a "have to do more" phase has, I think, broken me.
Everything has become monetary.
"Is that thing adding money or enabling me to make money? No? Fuck it."
But do I like it? Fuck yes.
For instance, philosophy and psychology. Do I love them? Nothing excites me more. Do I want to pursue them? Yes. Do they make money? No. Then let’s not waste time.
Because the question being asked is, "How are you going to pay the bills? How are you going to pay off that student loan?" So I should only focus on those.
What I am scared of is living such a life where I end up doing nothing. And that thought haunts me.
And hence, to do something, I have to actively take up things. And you see, now a cycle has been created where I am doing things I like for the sake of making money. And all that I love has become monetary.
And that thought alone fucking breaks me.
The part I have realized, but not actualized
But maybe the real failure isn’t not "making it", maybe it’s losing myself in the process. Maybe it’s forgetting that life isn’t just about survival; it’s about experiencing, feeling, and finding joy in the things that don’t have a price tag. If I let money dictate every decision, then what’s left of me? What’s the point? Maybe the answer isn’t in abandoning responsibilities but in carving out space to reconnect with the things that once made me feel alive. Because if I don’t, I’m already lost.
And maybe, just maybe, it’s okay to feel lost. It’s okay to not have all the answers. It’s okay to want someone to hold me and say, "It’s okay." Because in the end, we’re all just trying to figure it out, one step at a time. Maybe I don’t have to earn the right to be happy, I just have to allow myself to be. And that’s the hardest part of all.